Dear Pet Gear Inc.,
It has come to our attention that your pet products are a danger to the good name of dogs everywhere. Rather than attempting to correct the behavior of well-to-do soccer moms who treat their lap dogs like babies and dress them in embarrassing clothing, you’re cashing in on their psychotic behavior with this crap and you need to be coached on the reason man domesticated the wild dog. Or at the very minimum you need to get a job or some kind of hobby.
There are lots of problems with today’s consumer culture, in this case the fakey people who sell themselves out in debt and workoholism to appear wealthy and buy lots of conspicuously fancy stuff to impress their friends and neighbors. It’s developed a stereotyped class of women for whom your product is geared towards; the tracksuit-wearing, bleach blond, Hummer-driving housewife who does nothing all day but spend money and talk on her cell phone. Usually seen at Starbucks or shopping at trendy mall stores that peddle “imported” trinkets and housewares. These women seem to always have some kind of tiny dog, often dressed in some sort of ridiculous sweater and almost always being carried like a handbag rather than allowed to walk on it’s feet with dignity.
So let’s go over some ways in which you’re horrible.
1. The car seats. Seriously. We know it’s hard for dogs to stand up in the car, but most of them seem to get along just fine on a trip by lying on the seat or floor. They don’t need a little padded box to sit on so it can look out the windshield while you drive and it CERTAINLY does not need a HEATED SEAT. Dogs have fur, which insulates them from all but the harshest weather. If you’ve got the heater on in your car and you’re comfortable, chances are your dog is feeling pretty toasty, too.
2. Pet Strollers. Keep in mind, we’re talking about animals here, not human babies. Animals. They lie in the dirt and eat poop and greet each other by putting their nose in the other animal’s genitals. The stroller wasn’t part of the plan when they evolved. By putting a dog in a wheeled cart and walking it around you’re actually going to de-evolve the species until they no longer need legs. Then how will the pee or fuck? It’s your own laziness that’s to blame; walking a dog is not that hard, you put a leash on it and hold on, the dog will begin to move on it’s own, you don’t even have to put gas in it. This is what they call exercise and it’s not the same thing as “spinning” at Bally’s.
3. The pinnacle of tasteless consumerism. A name branded, overpriced, single-tasked contraption that no one actually needs. I present to you the Jeep© Rubicon Jogging Pet Stroller. Holds up to 70lbs, ergonomic foam handle, front and rear entries (like your mom) and a “new sleek design” will insure your spoiled little rodent will never have to experience and discomfort as you jog down the street, neighbors looking on in envy. You’re dog is safe and sound and you’ve got peace of mind in the knowledge that you spent over $200 on a DOG STROLLER.
Other dogs will either feel pity on or openly mock your dog if you take it out in this thing. Other people will do the same to you because, while you can find a justification for dropping twin Franklins on this big ol’ fucking turd, the majority of people you roll past will see you as nothing but a trend-chasing dimwit with too much extra cash and not enough common sense.
And stop wearing workout clothes everywhere you go, you’re not fooling anyone.
Signed,
Reality
