April 2009
6 posts
Dear Rules4men.com
On a scale of 1 to Douchebag, your site ranks somewhere around “The secretly gay frat boy jock who’d hit a woman for insulting his pookah shell necklace”. To put that in simpler terms, you’re fucking retarded. Your site appears to be some misguided collection of “guidelines” on how to be a “man”, urging the reader to “act like you got a...
Dear Pet Gear Inc.,
It has come to our attention that your pet products are a danger to the good name of dogs everywhere. Rather than attempting to correct the behavior of well-to-do soccer moms who treat their lap dogs like babies and dress them in embarrassing clothing, you’re cashing in on their psychotic behavior with this crap and you need to be coached on the reason man domesticated the wild dog. Or at...
Dear Sgt. Raul Ramirez of the El Paso PD,
In reviewing the tape of the incident involving yourself and news reporter Darren Hunt we have concluded that you’re at a 10 and we need you at about a 3. In other words, you’re a power crazed meat-headed, jackbooted, rage-fueled fuck who should never be allowed near children or animals. We have sad news for you Sarg, spraying saliva in the face of a news anchor while screaming orders...
Dear EarthFirst Hippies,
In regards to your YouTube video involving a bunch of you jerks sitting around crying over a dead tree: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re retards. Trees get cut down all the time, its ok; they grow back. It’s like crying and screaming over loosing an eyelash or clipping your fingernails. What I just watched was an embarrassment, not only to you but the whole of human...
Dear Twitter Marketer,
I am writing to regretfully inform you that I shall not be following you back. Truth be told, I’m considering blocking you.
“Why?” you ask.
Because the concept of social media seems to have escaped you. As a product you have nothing to offer here, as conversation is the currency of the day, and interaction is the hot seller, I have little desire and zero need for you.
I know I...
Dear Ashton Kutcher,
While on your Dr. Evil ego quest to collect “1 Million Followers” on the Twitter, you claimed you were going to “ding dong ditch” Ted Turners house. Ordinarily, I would just let this go, writing it off as more ramblings from your bloated sense of self, but I fear you do not know whom you were referring to.
Ted Turner, to put it bluntly, has more money than God. The man...