Signed Reality
Remember in Top Gun when that guys told Mav that his ego was writing checks that his body couldn't cash? Yeah? Well, we're sending mo frakkin' bounced check notices from Reality.
Dec 01
Nov 18
Nov 06
Apr 29
Dear Rules4men.com
On a scale of 1 to Douchebag, your site ranks somewhere around “The secretly gay frat boy jock who’d hit a woman for insulting his pookah shell necklace”. To put that in simpler terms, you’re fucking retarded. Your site appears to be some misguided collection of “guidelines” on how to be a “man”, urging the reader to “act like you got a pair”. Sadly your image of the modern male is both tragic and hysterically wrong in literally all possible ways. Instead of offering worthwhile advice that will lead to a successful, intelligent, well-rounded man, your site aims to keep men at the level of “guys”, aka misogynistic assholes who view women as sex toys and other men as threats to their sexuality. I couldn’t quite make it through all the “rules” on your site, about 20 minutes in I threw up in my mouth and had to leave the room, but let’s sample some of the more enlightening passages from your tome of sage wisdom.
Keep in mind, every one of these opinions is a fail in the test of life.
#46. “It is ok to hate someone simply for not liking their face.”
See, right off the bat you’re being a dick. That statement makes everyone around you dumber.
#128. “Completely disregard anything your girlfriend says about pornography.”
… unless she says “I want you to view pornography.” right?
#208. “Saying yes is a sign of weakness”
Ok, that one doesn’t even make sense.
#28. “Hug between men must always start with a handshake and can at no point become a two-arm embrace.”
Yeah, cause huggin’s gay. You ain’t gay is ya?
#109. “All men shall add 2 inches to their penis size when talking about it”
So wait. Hugging makes you gay but talking to each other about your penises is manly?
#234. “Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis”
Now is that before or after you add the mandatory 2 inches?
#23. “Women can’t drive.”
Oh now come on, how is that a “rule”?
#96. “If you pay for dinner, you are entitled to sex.”
Unless you’re with a prostitute, in which case you can just pay her up front.
#317 “If a man NEEDS to use an umbrella, he won’t share it with another man. If he is sharing it with a woman, he gets 70% of it. Unless of course, if she’s wearing a white t-shirt, he gets 100% of it.”
Hey, there ya go. That one sums it up nicely, you’ve got the homophobia, the misogyny and the objectification right there in one rule!
Ok, I could go on, but we both know that there’s only a few main themes going on here:
1. Men are always on the brink of homosexuality, if you’re not careful a poorly timed butt pat could lead to glitter and rainbows for life.
2. Women are base creatures, incapable of intelligence, and undeserving of power, freedom or respect.
3. Women have boobies and that’s the only reason we keep them.
Did I get it right? Assclowns?
In conclusion, your site breeds the kind of fuck-faced shitheads who prompted the popped collar, backwards caps, beer pong, Girls Gone Wild, the programming on MTV, ankle socks, tribal/barbed wire bicep tattoos, Facebook, girls who kiss each other so boys will like them, Abercrombie and Fitch, Maxim magazine, and the rampant overuse of the terms “bra”, “hoss”, “cochise”, “brosef”, “chief”, “dogg”, “hella”, “money”, “brewski” and “You my boy, Blue. You my boy”.
You’re idiot douchebags, nothing you do is manly. Seek out some advice from real men.
Signed,
Reality
P.S. Oh, and thanks for Dane Cook. Thanks a fuckin’ bunch.
Apr 24
Dear Pet Gear Inc.,
It has come to our attention that your pet products are a danger to the good name of dogs everywhere. Rather than attempting to correct the behavior of well-to-do soccer moms who treat their lap dogs like babies and dress them in embarrassing clothing, you’re cashing in on their psychotic behavior with this crap and you need to be coached on the reason man domesticated the wild dog. Or at the very minimum you need to get a job or some kind of hobby.
There are lots of problems with today’s consumer culture, in this case the fakey people who sell themselves out in debt and workoholism to appear wealthy and buy lots of conspicuously fancy stuff to impress their friends and neighbors. It’s developed a stereotyped class of women for whom your product is geared towards; the tracksuit-wearing, bleach blond, Hummer-driving housewife who does nothing all day but spend money and talk on her cell phone. Usually seen at Starbucks or shopping at trendy mall stores that peddle “imported” trinkets and housewares. These women seem to always have some kind of tiny dog, often dressed in some sort of ridiculous sweater and almost always being carried like a handbag rather than allowed to walk on it’s feet with dignity.
So let’s go over some ways in which you’re horrible.
1. The car seats. Seriously. We know it’s hard for dogs to stand up in the car, but most of them seem to get along just fine on a trip by lying on the seat or floor. They don’t need a little padded box to sit on so it can look out the windshield while you drive and it CERTAINLY does not need a HEATED SEAT. Dogs have fur, which insulates them from all but the harshest weather. If you’ve got the heater on in your car and you’re comfortable, chances are your dog is feeling pretty toasty, too.
2. Pet Strollers. Keep in mind, we’re talking about animals here, not human babies. Animals. They lie in the dirt and eat poop and greet each other by putting their nose in the other animal’s genitals. The stroller wasn’t part of the plan when they evolved. By putting a dog in a wheeled cart and walking it around you’re actually going to de-evolve the species until they no longer need legs. Then how will the pee or fuck? It’s your own laziness that’s to blame; walking a dog is not that hard, you put a leash on it and hold on, the dog will begin to move on it’s own, you don’t even have to put gas in it. This is what they call exercise and it’s not the same thing as “spinning” at Bally’s.
3. The pinnacle of tasteless consumerism. A name branded, overpriced, single-tasked contraption that no one actually needs. I present to you the Jeep© Rubicon Jogging Pet Stroller. Holds up to 70lbs, ergonomic foam handle, front and rear entries (like your mom) and a “new sleek design” will insure your spoiled little rodent will never have to experience and discomfort as you jog down the street, neighbors looking on in envy. You’re dog is safe and sound and you’ve got peace of mind in the knowledge that you spent over $200 on a DOG STROLLER.
Other dogs will either feel pity on or openly mock your dog if you take it out in this thing. Other people will do the same to you because, while you can find a justification for dropping twin Franklins on this big ol’ fucking turd, the majority of people you roll past will see you as nothing but a trend-chasing dimwit with too much extra cash and not enough common sense.
And stop wearing workout clothes everywhere you go, you’re not fooling anyone.
Signed,
Reality
Apr 23
Dear Sgt. Raul Ramirez of the El Paso PD,
In reviewing the tape of the incident involving yourself and news reporter Darren Hunt we have concluded that you’re at a 10 and we need you at about a 3. In other words, you’re a power crazed meat-headed, jackbooted, rage-fueled fuck who should never be allowed near children or animals.
We have sad news for you Sarg, spraying saliva in the face of a news anchor while screaming orders at him to leave yet wrenching his arm behind his back so he can’t move and ignoring his questions and pleas to leave peaceably make you a perfect example of why everyone hates cops.
Let’s take a look at where you went wrong.
First mistake. Generally acting like a Gestapo maniac in front of a news camera is a bad idea. People often watch those tapes and it’s only going to make it worse in the long run by stomping around like a berserk gorilla.
Second strike; when you require a member of the press to maintain a safe distance or vacate the scene of a highway accident it’s usually enough to state your request in a calm and measured manner. Most people will respond amicably and an incident can easily be avoided. What you’ve done here, however, is bounce around screaming orders like the newsman had a knife to a baby’s throat or was threatening a bus full of nuns with a flame thrower. It’s called overkill and your mastery of it is astounding. Fucking. Calm. Down.
Third boo-boo. You cops have a tendency to switch off the reasoning portion of your brain when you get in that “GETDOWNONTHEGROUND” mood, which makes it very difficult for an innocent person to present an argument against you physically brutalizing, tasering, cuffing, gassing them or putting your knee in their back. As is shown in the video Mr. Hunt immediately recognizes your request to leave and heads toward his truck. Instead of thanking him and going about moving the DOZENS OF OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, you run at Mr. Hunt, grab his belt like you want his body, and menacingly threaten him with arrest if he doesn’t leave, which he can’t, because you’re holding on to his belt and pinning him to the very truck you’re ordering him to get into. Can you see how this is counter productive?
The encounter ends when you decide that Mr. Hunt has committed a crime of some sort by “talking back” or “being there” and you cuff him and throw him up against a fence, then you do the same to the camera man, who it appears you were unaware of the entire time as he filmed you being the world’s smelliest asshole.
So the message to you is this, Sgt. Ramirez; next time you’ve had a long day, or your dog refuses to lick peanut butter off your balls, don’t take it out on news anchors. They have cameras. Take your childish rage out on the homeless and dangerous minorities like you’re supposed to.
Signed,
Reality
Dear EarthFirst Hippies,
In regards to your YouTube video involving a bunch of you jerks sitting around crying over a dead tree: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re retards. Trees get cut down all the time, its ok; they grow back. It’s like crying and screaming over loosing an eyelash or clipping your fingernails. What I just watched was an embarrassment, not only to you but the whole of human kind. What would our ancestors think of you bawling over a dead tree? They were busy innovating and learning and using the environment to evolve themselves. If they came across a person mourning a tree they’d probably hit them on the head with a rock and steal their pelts to keep their offspring warm. You hippies are getting out of hand and you need to bring it down a notch.
There are a lot of things wrong with mourning a tree by writhing around like a maniac and shrieking like a bitch, but for brevity’s sake, let’s just list a few.
1. Trees are plants, they are technically “alive” but they are not sentient and do not feel pain or loss. Trees do not mourn other trees, they do not have tree funerals and little saplings don’t go to little tree orphanages when a mommy tree dies. They’re trees. I cannot stress this enough. I’m worried that you’ve confused trees with people and that needs to be addressed.
2. There are people dying in horrible and unfair ways in all corners of the world right now, RIGHT NOW, AS YOU READ THIS. While you were in the woods with your stinky hippy friends blubbering over a log people with kids and spouses and dreams and memories are being murdered in the streets. Those people are more important than a tree, I know it’s confusing but it’s true. People are conscious beings, they are self aware and that makes them more valuable than wood.
3. Hey guess what hippy? Unless you’re living naked in those woods eating berries and moss you’re responsible for the death of trees, lots of them. The house (or shed) you live in was made from dead trees, the paper you print your stupid fliers on was made from dead trees, there’s probably even some dead tree in the stinky patchouli pomade you use to form your filthy dreadlocks. I dunno, I’m just sayin’. The environment is here for our use, sure we’re greedy creatures and we don’t do a great job of cleaning up after ourselves or sharing, but in the grand scope we’re a pretty young species. We’re like toddlers compared to Crocodiles or insects, and crying about a dead tree is something a toddler would do, because toddlers are stupid. Do you see where I’m going with this?
4. Why are you stopping at trees? What about bushes, weeds, flowers? Why not vegetables? Do you whimper and cry over your organic, vegan salad or the granola I know you’re so fond of? Those veggies and grains were MURDERED so YOU could eat you selfish fuck! How dare you! Oh, and the little sprouts you’re sitting on in the video are probably gonna die cause the weight of your unwashed bodies destroyed their fragile root system. You can’t go anywhere without hurting some living creature, can you? You’d better off just hitting yourself on the head with a hammer until you die, preferably in the forest somewhere so your decomposing body will nourish the soil and make up for all the damage you did. It’s not like the planet can maintain itself without human’s help, it’s not as if ecosystems work autonomously and have for billions of years and have survived several ice ages, volcanic fallout, a global greenhouse event, meteor strikes, floods, droughts, earthquakes, mudslides, disease, parasites, and hot, hot lava.
So please, you gad damned hippies, please find a better use for your time and energy than sitting in a circle out in the woods weeping over a dead tree. If you’re not going to kill yourselves to free up your carbon footprint at least do something to help your fellow man. Feed and clothe the homeless, donate to a local shelter, clean up a neighborhood. People are above plants on the social hierarchy. The environment, and especially that dead tree, really doesn’t give a shit that you care about it.
Signed,
Reality
Dear Twitter Marketer,
I am writing to regretfully inform you that I shall not be following you back. Truth be told, I’m considering blocking you.
“Why?” you ask.
Because the concept of social media seems to have escaped you. As a product you have nothing to offer here, as conversation is the currency of the day, and interaction is the hot seller, I have little desire and zero need for you.
I know I could wax poetic about finding the inherent value in people, but that would be a lie. Twitter allows me to feed my ego by presenting a steady stream of those who will validate, entertain, or challenge my current reality. You, well, you just want to make money off of it. This notion is only reinforced by your latest tweet being a Magpie advert.
However, my real problem isn’t with our relationship. No, my real problem is with your perceived self value. You appear to have an overly-inflated self value that would challenge Donald Trump, Bono, or the majority of Los Angeles. If we are judging Twitter value based solely on your half of the conversation, then I would have to say your trite, ad-ridden, and derivative messages are no different than they thousands of similar SEO, SEM, MLM, and Nigerian scam artists which permeate the system. To put it in elementary marketing terms, there is a huge supply of people identical to you, and a very low demand. This combination has rendered you valueless.
In the course of writing this letter, I have changed my mind. You have indeed been blocked.
Signed,
Reality.
Apr 22
Dear Ashton Kutcher,
While on your Dr. Evil ego quest to collect “1 Million Followers” on the Twitter, you claimed you were going to “ding dong ditch” Ted Turners house. Ordinarily, I would just let this go, writing it off as more ramblings from your bloated sense of self, but I fear you do not know whom you were referring to.
Ted Turner, to put it bluntly, has more money than God. The man invented cable news and colorized Casablanca. To put it bluntly, he could buy and sell your sorry ass.
So, put down the champagne, take off that stupid hat, and realize you’re a B list celebrity married to a woman who was famous while you were still wearing underoos.
Signed,
Reality.
